Throughout this journey, there have been so many highs and lows for me.
My battle with anxiety and illness showed me parts of myself that I both loved and hated.
I had never seen such darkness.
Never felt so much pain.
Never felt so afraid.
But I’d also never felt so loved and held…
Or known how strong I really was.
I’ve learnt that even though I have survived that darkness and fear, that there will always be triggers for me and that I cannot stop doing the inner work to heal myself.
This past month has been a big reminder of that.
My youngest boy had been complaining of his heart racing and hurting for a few months leading up to Christmas…
We had hoped that he had just picked up on what had been happening with me, as children do, and that it was nothing. But we had all the tests done just to make sure.
One of my biggest fears was that one of my boys would inherit my heart arrythmia.
And that fear has come true.
My beautiful boy has been diagnosed with tachycardia. 💔
He is the happiest, sweetest soul I have ever met.
When I heard those words come out of the paediatrician’s mouth I was gutted.
I felt like I was going to be sick.
There was nothing I could do.
I couldn’t take it away from him. I couldn’t fix it.
All of my own fears came bubbling back up to the surface.
His arrhythmia is a little different to mine, and that is a positive thing. His is ‘benign’. The doctors have assured us that he is safe. And I am so grateful for this.
But boy did it trigger all sorts of shit within me.
Shit I thought I had dealt with and moved through.🙁
Now that I have had some time to come to terms with what it means for him, and that he is safe, I have been able to process it a lot better.
My challenge now lies in remaining calm and helping him during his episodes.
My anxiety shoots right up as soon as he tells me that his heart is “beeping really fast”. More than just the normal ‘mummy’ anxiety…
Deep, gut wrenching anxiety.
But I cannot let him see or sense that anxiety. I cannot pass my fears onto him.
I cannot let him see the fear in my eyes….
The anxiety swirling around in my body as I feel the all too familiar and terrifying feeling of his precious little heart thumping and racing in his chest.
Because he does not need to be afraid. He is safe.
I watch him giggle as we move through the procedures to convert his rhythm back to normal.
Watch him laugh & complain about putting his face in ice water.
He has zero fear of it.
And so, I cannot pass mine onto him.
I want him to stay this way. I don’t want him to ever feel scared or limited by this thing.
I want him to feel free and unbridled by his condition.
To run, play, laugh and adventure as if nothing is holding him back.
So that is my goal…
To protect him from my fear and show him that his arrythmia does not need to change his life. That there is no need to be afraid.
I will continue to work on my own inner fears so that I can be there for him and help him calmly and confidently whenever his heart ‘beeping’ too fast.
And maybe this is just another opportunity for me to further heal my own heart and mind.
To go deeper and release my fears that have held me back for so long.
To feel safe next time my own heart is ‘beeping too fast’.
Children can be our biggest teachers.