fbpx

When I was physically and mentally unwell, I was constantly berating myself and labelling myself as ‘weak’. Saying that I should be coping better, that I shouldn’t be so afraid of my heart condition, that I should be doing more; being more.

What became obvious to me during this time was the incredibly high expectations I was placing on myself as a mum & wife, to be and do everything perfectly all the time.

What came with this guilt was the worry that I wasn’t going to be loved as much if I wasn’t doing and being everything to everyone.

That showing and admitting my suffering was somehow going to change people’s opinion and love for me.

When I was at my sickest, I couldn’t do everything that I would normally do day to day. Housework, ironing & preparing school clothes, making kids breakkie, school lunches and bags, taking kids to & from school, doing parent help in the classroom, running around with the boys at the park, kicking the ball with them in the backyard, helping with homework, shopping, washing, cleaning, cooking, bathing kids, putting them to bed etc etc.

Not to mention showering and dressing myself when I was incredibly weak and suffering from the side effects of my heart medication.

This all made me feel less worthy of my kids and my husband. Which was bulls**t. Because I am more than a cleaner & cook.

I was still loving them with everything I had, I was still there to cuddle them and kiss them, still there to watch them play; there to listen to them tell their twentieth story about dinosaurs or Pokémon.

I was doing the best I could. The guilt was real – but not fair.

I was torturing myself and making things worse by worrying about all the things I wasn’t able to do, instead of focusing on my healing and showing myself some compassion and love for what I was going through. If it was someone else I loved that was going through my experience, I would not think for one second that they were a liability or a burden. And I wouldn’t be blaming them or labelling them as weak or a crappy mother & wife.

So why did I do this to myself?

The thing is, that it’s actually a very common experience for people that suffer from anxiety or depression to have more negative thoughts.

Negative thoughts can feel like they happen automatically. And, because they occur almost automatically, people often don’t notice them and often just accept them. Unfortunately, negative thoughts are often unrealistic, destructive and untrue. We can blow things out of proportion and catastrophise situations, as well as underestimate our ability to cope with our issues.

If you are unwell or not feeling your best, please give yourself a break & show yourself some love and compassion:

💙 If you are sick, your body is doing everything it can to heal and it deserves some love and compassion.
💙 If you are just having a bad day and not feeling your best – also give yourself a break, nobody is immune to having off days.

Constantly berating myself was not helpful and revealed a much deeper issue, which was my lack of respect and love for myself. My belief systems around why it is that people love me, and what makes me who I am. The fact that I genuinely thought my family could stop loving me because I was ill and weak was a very sad realisation. One that I knew I had to work through and heal.

I am still working on it, but I have come a long way and with the help of my gorgeous hubby I have learnt to be gentler with myself and value myself more as a person.

To let go of the need to be perfect all the time.

To realise that I am always perfect just as I am. Perfectly imperfect!

And so are you.

Much love,

 

Connect & Share